When Your Emotions Hit Rock Bottom

I can't remember a time where I thought I knew how depression felt -- sure, I've been "down" in my life before, but I don't think I had ever really felt real depression.

I think that's changed now.

Last week, I bottomed out emotionally. Getting off the couch seemed to be too much of a chore; I didn't want to eat; I didn't want to read; I didn't want to do anything. None of my favorite things interested me, and I didn't feel like going through the motions of even showering or getting dressed every morning. At certain points, I felt like a caged animal, walking in circles around the house and not really knowing where I was supposed to be going or what I was supposed to be doing.

My wife encouraged me to pick up a project I had been pondering for a while -- a series of articles on the Civil Rights Movement in my hometown. For a time, I felt rejuvenated, and I had a wonderful trip back home to visit family and start some preliminary research on the articles. I thought that perhaps I had pulled myself out of the spiral (although a spiral implies movement, and I didn't feel like I was really moving).

And then yesterday, I got rejected by two more jobs that I had interviewed with -- interviews that I thought had gone exceptionally well, and for jobs that I was hopeful I had a shot at. In fact, I had been told that I was one of three finalists at one of them -- and now, they've suddenly pulled in a new candidate that had a previous connection to the organization and who, as I was told in the e-mail that they sent to me, "has the perfect background." It doesn't appear now that they feel there's any need for me to come in for a final interview. Having your hopes dashed and being insulted in the same e-mail; what a day.

So now, I feel pretty much that I'm back where I was last week. I showered and dressed first thing this morning in an effort to feel like I've got a routine -- but the routine at this point is just me moving back to the drawing board. One rejection I expected, three isn't surprising. But a baker's dozen? Makes you feel really under-appreciated.

And with a new daughter on the way two weeks from today, and being concerned about how to support a growing family, the gray sky that I see outside the window seems very appropriate. Even the snow outside has morphed into that slushy, brown ice -- perfect for the day.